Confidence
Insecurity is such an elusive frustrating topic. I’d like to give a little attention to something that hates attention.
Sometimes I write things down when I’ve been drinking and I found this note last week that I had forgotten about. “When you are nicer to your guests your children develop low self-esteem.” It’s an interesting thought, that maybe our culture of facades and smiles and performance and ‘love your neighbor’ above all creates an invisible dark place where our children remain curled up unmovable. The concept is that when someone is over you give them your best: Your best chair, your attention, etc. You are more forgiving, more accepting, etc. You treat them nicer. This acidic environment quite readily can form a world where they believe that others deserve more.
This dawned on me when I was ‘giving’ more to the visiting child over my own. We had a playdate with a friend from school and I was being more forgiving of her behavior than I should have. The visiting child was being unfair and I was ignoring it. I recognized that I was letting her get by with something she shouldn’t have and I called her out on it. My child’s shoulders relaxed and she gloated. It wasn’t the gloating that was rewarding. Not at all. But what dawned on me was the relief I felt from her. She felt something I hadn’t been giving her: protection and a right to her own.
When you don’t have any depth to yourself except an outside veneer for guests it creates dead air and a lifeless environment for someone craving your respect. They, in turn, believe that there isn’t anything about them that is valuable except the placating of guests. It is a lack of belief in yourself amidst others. “When people around I cease to exist.” This is the crux of Insecurity.
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I was walking into the kitchen last weekend and npr was playing an interview with ____________. By the time I got my water out of the fridge and walked out of the kitchen the gentleman being interviewed said, “Confidence doesn’t occur just by believing. It occurs, simply, by being really good at something.”
Wow. Really? Is it really that simple?
This statement hit me pretty strongly. I, like most Americans, believe that confidence comes from faking it. We call it an heir of confidence because we think that it’s not really true. They just have that heir about them. But it’s not true. Confidence comes from being really good at something. What a beautiful thing. And think about it. When you get really good at something you can suck at everything else, and that’s ok. I think obtaining a skill changes the landscape of a personality including something that understands the rite of criticism and judgment and how these ‘negative’ things have a purpose and a place. And when ‘others don’t deserve more’ these ‘negatives’ don’t have any more weight than your own judgment. Photography has shown me this. I don’t like this picture much any more, but my wife/partner loves loves it. Who is right? Well, we both are.
A new blog? wtf?
So I’ve started another blog. It was my attempt to just post pictures and turn this into a photo blog but i missed writing and honestly wordpress lends itself more to writing. I’m not to happy with how much I’d have to tweak it to get it to display pictures in a way I want. And I miss scratching stuff; having a place where I can just hang balls-out. So: no more just picture posts and I’ll maybe write a little more. Seems there has been quite the slow down of blogging lately. Not sure why. Maybe it’s lost it’s appeal. Maybe everyone is dead or the rapture came and took everyone in the sky.
So now I have 5 blogs. Sheesh. That’s a lot to maintain. Especially since I hate blogging. Here they are:
http://mattclingan.com My new photography blog. Inspired by you. I’m trying to take pictures and post them every stinkin’ day.. It will probably be some time before I’m pro enough to make money at it, but i don’t care. I’m doing it because I love it.
http://pinecones.wordpress.com blog for kids (i’m late for a posting but i’m gearing up). I love my kids and my family and this is where I get all gushy. (kept clean for the fam)
http://mattclingan.wordpress.com my technical blog (read: boring) where I posts solutions to problems I’m having at work or otherwise.
oh wait. there’s another one? oh yeah. that one is private. Yeah. Get out.
Life of the party
What do you see in this picture? Do you see a fun loving party, people celebrating and laughing? Do you see friends laughing together, joking about their day, slightly intoxicated? Do you see an image full of life and fun?
Or do you see an invisible man, so lost in the world that he doesn’t know how to relate. A good looking guy that has lost his ability to navigate because of something that has taken his life away. Do you see him? The lonely soul who is no more.
I saw him on day one, day three, and here on day five. On day one he looked out the window in a shuttle bus full of people. I could feel his sadness three rows back. When I took this picture I turned away because it was too much. I could feel his heaviness and it was impossible to bear. I pulled back my tear, swallowed hard, and walked away.
There is nothing you can do for these people, but say a short prayer and leave them alone. It’s not possible to reach them. Sometimes I try. But it is a very costly endeavor.
Sail on
When you’re weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
I’m on your side. when times get rough
And friends just can’t be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
When your down and out,
When your on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
Ill take your part.
When darkness comes
And pain is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Sail on silvergirl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine.
If you need a friend
I’m sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
"Bridge over Troubled Water" is the title song of Simon and Garfunkel’s final album together, released January 26, 1970.
mother earth.
she walks in beauty along the shoreline
wearing lingerie; the kind of lingerie that is only worn on full moons and anniversaries.
she is whispering something to me.
her voice is low and raspy, just barely audible
above the sound of the tides.
crashing.
she speaks to me the secrets I’ve been wanting to know
just out of my reach
just out of my touch
just beyond my longing
i can feel her voice on my cheek
my chest
my eyelashes
it passes through me like fine blown sand
she strokes my hair letting me know not
to be afraid.
i wonder.
i wonder if she knows how much i love her, how much i need her in my life.
People
I think the most enjoyable thing to view in photographs are people. But that is also the most difficult thing to take pictures of. I’ve decided that it is time to lose some of my sensitivity to others when it comes time for pictures. If people object, of course, then I will certainly comply…but I want to start shooting more images of people (including you when you come over). Asking permission will usually ruin the shot you are wanting. I’m not really interested in portrait photography, with a few exceptions: Nude photography and pregnant nude photography. I’d like to do both but honestly haven’t quite found a way. How do you just ask someone if you can take pictures of them naked? It’s hard to explain to someone that nudity adds an amazing element to photography that isn’t about the VAGINA or privates or being turned on. It’s not about sex. It’s about everything else. I mean sometimes it is for some photographers, but I’m a married guy who just enjoys beauty and finds it in many places. I guess I’ll eventually meet those people. Most of my friends don’t want to be seen naked, let alone their picture taken, and I understand. I certainly don’t want mine.
Oh I don’t know. Maybe if you wrapped me in a feather boa I’d consider it. : )
It makes me think of Donavan, who did an entire series on model vs. photographer where he photographed himself in the same poses he required his models to pose as. Pretty funny. I don’t really care for his photography honestly (little more dirty than pretty to me), but it was a funny series.
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