a thankful heart i try
a thankful heart i try
the emptiness follows
me.

a selfless life is my consolation.
your smile is my reward.
for no smile rests on my lips.
the emptiness follows
me.
but you
bring me joy.

I had to drink heavily after the experience and am still feeling a bit numb.  I can’t say that I enjoyed it, but it felt right and appropriate.  It felt good and awful.  I was restless for the weeks to follow.

The difficulty my partner faces now has to do with our views of god.  I have a hard time with a personal god.  This doesn’t mean that I don’t feel intimacy or connection with god.  I do feel those things.  God weeps for me when I weep and laughs with me when I laugh.  I see God as a highly emotional being.  Logic is required for things to flow….and emotion is what connects us…to God ….to man and woman….to animals. 

I would like to believe in a jesus that answers prayer, but I can’t.  He never has for me.  I finally stopped asking for things about 10 years ago.  Frankly, looking at my life, I wouldn’t have given myself what I asked for either.  I feel like I owe it to god to thank him for at least 8 more years.  So that is what I do when I pray.  I thank god for things.  Maybe my time will come to ask for miracles and interventions again, but I’m done for now.  God has given me everything I need.  (s)he doesn’t need one more selfish self-entitled human asking for something ‘to make them happier.’ 

Happiness is my problem.  Not God’s. 

This sounds great and polished and pretty, doesn’t it?  I love it.  It sounds so clean and right.

But there is a problem; a consequence. 

Every relationship requires give and take.  The consequence is that  my relationship with God feels one-sided.  I don’t ask for anything which translates loosely into “i don’t need god.”  Emotionally I don’t feel this to be true.  Theologically it’s a toss-up.  Technically it isn’t true (God puts in motion everything I need to survive and live).  I thank God for relationships and for my children and for my job and yet I express thankfulness for the opportunity for these things to happen; not necessarily god’s involvement in making it happen.

So in a sense, I am stuck.  I have an emotional longing and connection to a personal god and a physical, spiritual, technical, and most importantly logical wall that keeps getting in the way. 

The way out i suppose, is grace.  Grace never follows a logical path.  Grace is god’s way of saying ‘fuck you’ to conventional wisdom and rhetoric. Where the cracks show up in the wall the wildflowers of grace eventually break through and bloom. 

rant #4

I’M TIRED OF BEING SO FUCKING NICE TO PEOPLE.  Seriously, I’ve tried so hard to be nice to people my entire life and I’m sick of it.  I talk to so many strangers because I love sincere people.  And poor people, gas station people, physical laborers, and even some of the corporate schmucks, are amazing people.  They love sincerity and honesty more than they love their need to follow a career.  So these people are honest.  Real.  People.  THAT is why i pick up hitch-hikers: not because i’m helping them out. 

IT IS BECAUSE THEY HELP ME. 

They give me a gift of honesty that I don’t find in fucking corporate america and worse yet: a FUCKING FIRM.  the firm breeds people who are constantly trying to please them.  And they’ve gotten so used to it that they believe in their NARCISSISM.  They aren’t bad people, they just need to be reminded what real friends are.  People who will tell you to shut the fuck up and listen for a while.  People off the streets reek of an honesty not found elsewhere.  They have NOTHING to hide.  And they display their shame better than any of us.  They are the descendants of the people who were paid to be mournful of those who had died in biblical times.  They ask for and deserve your pity.  But by giving them pity you take their pride.  They crave rejection and train people to hate them…but it is out of a sincere hate for themselves.  Give a bum a dollar.  AND a pat on the back.

rant #3 

I HATE CARS.  Who the fuck thought this would be a good idea.  We take up too much space.  Our pride is our biggest problem, evident in the technology we use and the space we take up. 

rant #2 

I HATE COMPUTER SPOOF:  I HATE THE SHIT ON THE INTERNET THAT TAKES UP MY FUCKING TIME PLAYING THEIR STUPID GAMES OF MANIPULATION ON PEOPLE.  THE NEW GAMBLING SITEs\ (WHERE PEOPLE STARE AND PULL A SLOT AND BECOME ADDICTIVE PEOPLE)… THE SITES LIKE FACEBOOK, TWITTER.  Do something meaningful.  with your time.  even if you are on the computer make it a meaningful experience.

rant #1 

I HATE THAT PEOPLE DON’T SEE HOW BIGOTED THEY LOOK WHEN THEY START TELLING PEOPLE WHO THEY CAN AND CAN’T LOVE BASED UPON WHETHER THERE IS ONE AND ONLY ONE DICK IN THE RELATIONSHIP.  My god’s wrath is not upon this.  Read above the bible and understand it’s meaning.  Don’t be caught up in the words.  Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  God loves the homosexual.  Personally I’m convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

It weighs her down and
hunches her back

And bends her over just
far enough.

To hug her children when
they need hugs and

Kiss the top of their heads.

But hunched over, her crooked
back aches all day long.

And her heavy broken heart
Pushes her to tears.

Of things that have no resolution.
But to break hearts.

So all day long, hunched over,
She cries tears from her broken heart.

And all day long, hunched over,
She follows those tears.

Step by step by step.

Sexuality is not a left-brained activity.  It is not something you arrive at by means of a path of logic and reasoning.  It is not something that you understand through means of any intellectual or philosophical truth.  It can’t be measured or baked out of study.

Sexuality is in and of itself, You.  It is You expressed.  It is of God, but not through traditional conventional logical empirical means.  It is not fundamentally sound or rigidly experienced.

It is you.  It is the way you feel deep down…inside.  It is the warmth that surrounds your soul.  It is the heat on the circumference of your heart.  Your sex is the hot breath of your soul, longing for pleasure (giving and receiving).  It is not thought.  It is you when you have stopped believing, stopped hoping, stopped thinking.  It is you: right now.  All tingly.

And if you want to experience sexuality you will disrobe.  All that is feared, all that is hoped. All that is believed. All that is thought about or calculated will lie on the floor.  You will disrobe all of this until the only thing left is your naked warm body under a sheet, waiting for pleasure and waiting to please. 

God is the god of pleasure; creator of climax.  Your taste, your smell, your look, your touch are all forms of arousal.  And to deduce any or all of these things outside the confines of tasting, smelling , looking, or touching is incorrect.  It is wrong to analyze, piece by piece, your sex.  It is right and correct to taste your sex, smell your sex, visually enjoy your sex, and to touch it.

Crazy get’s a pass. 
Crazy can be free.
Crazy isn’t bound
Like you and me.
Crazy is ignored.
Crazy is excused.
Crazy is forgiven.
Unlike you.
Crazy is in love.
Crazy is in fear.
Crazy can be gay.
Crazy is queer.
Crazy has no limitations
Crazy has a dream
Crazy sees a life
That isn’t what it seems
Crazy knows it’s possible
Crazy knows what’s right
Crazy sees what I don’t see
Lurking in the night
Crazy knows the answer
Crazy has the key
Crazy knows God
More intimate than me
Crazy can be anything
Crazy sees no fog 
Crazy is unreachable
Crazy is of God

People that confuse pride with love leave their children with too much ambiguity.  everyone needs to believe that, aside from that same spark of humanity in all of us, we are unique and special.  that i am unique and special.

Pride and love are separate things.  Pride brings out the best of others.  Love is connection.  Connection in it’s rawest, most pure form.

–found in ink on a white pizza box, written before the mice got to it.

Nieche once said, “there is no logic in love, only in the lack of it.”  If there is no logic in love, then you have lost the true meaning of love, Neiche.  You have never grasped love.  If you say there is no logic in love then you are really just angry.   They are separate entities that can exist together or apart.

Logic doesn’t need love.

Love needs logic.

If you really want to help someone, don’t teach them to just love.  Teach them to love with logic…love with understanding…love with true logic of life, recognizing that the end doesn’t always justify the means and sometimes things don’t…things don’t work out.  I guess what I’m saying is that true love doesn’t depend on some formalized guideline of logical thought.  For example, justice.  Justice isn’t on the same page as love.  If you want justice you won’t have love.  If you want love then justice can go take a walk.  True love comes first, before logic and before

You are only passionate about things that have meaning to you.  True love of logic is not a precursor to love. 

Happiness spreading
BELIEVE in your faith
I’m losing my focus
Under all this hate

Call me believer
Love and Adore
Then call me your nigger
And call me your whore

Your judgment is cast
Your smiles hide
I see your love
Raised by your pride

Strings are attached
Your puppet is dying
Your pride-love
Has your children crying

There is resolution
LET.US.BE.
Believe that faith
Is as unique as me.

Release your Fear
Let this god rest
Choose LOVE as your god.
Be happy. Be blessed.