i avoided it for a long time and now I’ve accepted as part of my social vocabulary and the personal phenomena of this entity is amazing. i was a very different person back then. i’d say we all were but there are definitely some that are the same. i can’t stand those people. they have the same hairdo’s and they smile a lot and act like life is never shitty and they believe that god is the answer to all the problems in life. for these people god and money are one.
but the entire facebook experience makes me sad. i was so sweet and innocent back then. and kind. but life can be shitty and i can be mean. i fear i will disappoint these people, which is what makes me want to see them…curious to find out if i will.
and then when i start chatting with them it hits me: the same residual dawning that occurs every morning inside of me: what am i doing, exactly? where do you find significance? i don’t think it can be found, not in me. but i think the point is to keep looking.
the first question i want to ask these people from the past: ‘was i a dick?’ so far the responses have been no. i’d hate to be the person that broke them and not realize it. kids are mean, myself included. i was never a bully and i was a very sweet and innocent kid…but everyone is mean.
the second question i want to ask is ‘are you ok?’ mostly i haven’t asked because i’m afraid of the answer. what if they aren’t? then what? but i know what life can do to a person. is it situations that kill the spirit or is it a lack of ability to handle the situation? I’d say the latter but this never helps the person. The correct answer is the former. It’s always the situation…at least at first.
one individual said to me, ‘you used to ask me every time you saw me ‘how’s your spiritual life?’’ i don’t remember this person. but she remembers me. i wonder how her spiritual life is now but i’m afraid to ask.
naivitivity gives you wings. denial gives you freedom. pure trusting love is available to all those who haven’t yet been broken. virginity and innocence is not a gift. it is a path that must end…gracefully.
You’re ruminations raise some questions and thoughts for me. Thank you.
How can the “point” be to keep looking for significance if there is no hope in finding it/any? Isn’t that a first cousin to the definition of insanity? To keep doing what doesn’t work in the hopes that it will, eventually, work? So, to keep looking for significance if you truly believe there’s no hope in finding it…isn’t that insanity? I don’t think you’re insane. I don’t think I’m insane…though I admit there are insanities within me.
Also, to the idea of trust, I must comment. I believe that there is naive trust- this is a trust that eventually ends abruptly, cruelly…and simply because we live in a fallen and broken world…and everyone and everything (including me) fails. We either bail on reality and live in denial, therefore maintaining our naive (and foolish) “trust” (which, I would argue, is not trust at all) or we move decidedly into cynicism where we (needfully) lick our soul wounds and cry our heart tears and raise our curses to a Somebody or Something that we think may be there, but must be cruel to let us live in the state we’re all in. Then… there is trust found on the other side of cynicism. This is real trust. Beautiful Trust. Trust that indicates a deep, resonating truth: that we were never meant to experience what we experience everyday…a fallen world, a fallen person, a fallen self, a broken life. For me, trust comes from wrestling with the reality that I was meant for more, and more is freely available…
I choose this.
Thoughts?
PS. I say “you” generally. “You,” as in all those who struggle over these things. “You,” meaning me, at times.
Just clarifying.
pure trusting love.
I like your separation of trust out into three different categories:
naive
cynical
intentional
I also like how you depict that this (the fallen world/broken life) is not how things were meant to be. It is interesting, worth another post entirely. i have a friend (Lee) who commented to me one day about how it doesn’t matter how much you try to teach your kids that fair doesn’t exist, that they always strive for/expect it. It is strange to me that fairness and love have an expectation attached to it that never leaves us. We will always be disappointed when we aren’t treated fairly and we will always be disappointed when the love fails us. Even though it is a guarantee that our love will fail us and we will be treated unfairly.
(I don’t know what to do with all of this. Why is it that we think in patterns…that we follow a grid…and expect such regularity when there is such ambiguity and uncertainty? )
I would call your intentional trust the same as the naive trust with a sprinkle of denial. It’s not possible to love freely when you are expecting your hand to be bit off. It feels different but trust is trust is trust. Intentional trust is a willingness to look over the skips in your heart and love anyway, because there isn’t anything better than loving.
“Trust comes from wresting with the reality that I was meant for more, and more is freely available” That’s an interesting statement. I’m going to have to think about that one.
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