boy

Well. I’m having a boy…so I discovered on life-changing Monday. I think I’ve known all along, which has been my problem as of late. I don’t want to raise a boy. It’s not that I am not excited about having a boy…I am. I am going to love being a father to a boy…and I am going to love the father/son relationship. I CAN’T WAIT. Father/son talks…hanging out with dad….going to the gas station to buy a drink…late night talks about the girlfiends. I love it. But the social aspect kills me. I hate being a guy in a world where guys are supposed to have limited vocabulary, limited thought, and limited feelings. ..and I hated growing up as a boy. It’s that fine balance between being sensitive to others and being a ‘pussy’…between being a man and not being an asshole. I’m going to have to teach him to fight but never do so. I’m going to have to teach him to love trees and natures but never tell anyone about it. I’m going to have to teach him to fall in love but never talk about it. I’m going to have to teach him to be passionate…and to keep a journal to write down your feelings so you can work through shit…but to never breathe a word of it to your guy friends because that is exactly what I do. You don’t tell people that seeing the death on t.v. makes you cry. You learn the fine art of never letting people know you wept all the way to work because you feel the pain of those around you. You don’t talk about the time you wept in the arms of your lover and how she helped you in difficult times. A guy’s life is a life of secrecy. And my boy will learn from me that he will have a social face…and a real self that he can share only among those he trusts the most.