Gun hater
Recently I discovered that I hate guns. And with every decision made I constantly hit it with opposing questions. Four weeks ago I was ambivalent about them. But a couple of weeks ago I had a conversation that kind of changed my mind. So now, being surrounded by gun-toting republicans I find myself wondering how valid my new argument is. Last week I rode with two of my coworkers over lunch and they talked about the news…the violence…the break-ins and the ruthless killing of a family somewhere in Florida. It took me until 2 AM to finally get to sleep that night.
One coworker insists on using hollow points. I didn’t know what a hollow point was so I asked. He sad, “It’s a hollow bullet, so if it goes into a wall it will essentially go flat so you don’t have to repair a hole shot through your house.” Interesting. It apparently is a good way to kill someone as well since the bullet does the same in a person’s body.
The hollow point: “When is our concern for our sheetrock more important than someone’s life?”
The gun-toting republican feels justified. “If you are breaking into my home then you had better be ready to die.” Where is the justice in that? I don’t see it. They want my TV so I kill them? I’m confused. All my possessions aren’t worth one person’s life. Maybe I just need better possessions…a bigger TV or a better stereo…THEN it will be worth someone’s life?
Flipping channels I watched 10 minutes of a show where a guy watched his neighbor getting robbed, called the police, and as the two youngsters ran across his lawn escaping he shot them in the backs. Dead. Smug. Justified. I don’t understand. Don’t these kids have a life to live?
Somewhere mother cries over her child….a child who made some stupid decisions. But not Earl, shotgun in hand. Earl did the right thing? The lesson? Earl’s neighbor’s possessions are more important than two kid’s lives.
The news carries bad seed, spreading it’s hate and fear throughout the city, segregating us into scared pockets with stories singled out for their sensationalism. The news is a capitalist machine hungry for money and viewers.
Am I right? Am I stupid to not have a gun next to my head as I sleep? I tried to do a little research. Unfortunately, home invasions where the homeowners are encountered isn’t tracked. Robberies are, but most robberies are when the homeowner isn’t home of course. Canada had a study (a Statistics Canada Uniform Crime Reporting (USR) Survey). It looks like homeowner encountered invasions are mostly the elderly (17%). 21% of the time it was casual acquaintances. 11% of the time it was a relative, friend, or business relationship. Half of the invasions involved a weapon, the most common being a knife or something to cut with. (link)
The Center for Injury Control, Rollins School of Public Health (of Emory University Atlanta GA 30322) did a study to determine weapon involvement in home invasions. That is, how often firearms are used to resist these crimes. This was for Atlanta, GA (pop 402,877) between June 1 and Aug 31, 1994. They went through every case during that time to identify where entry was made to a single family home. 198 cases. 99 were forced entry. 1/3 of the cases the victim and offender knew each other. A firearm was carried by the offender in 32 cases. 7 carried knives. in 42% of the cases the offender fled without confronting the victim. 40 cases resulted in a victim being injured. 6 were shot. No one died. 3 victims had a firearm. Their conclusion was that prevention of entry was the best method and that firearms, even if in the home, aren’t usually used.(link)
I went to bed last night, as I do every night, trying to determine what I will do in the event that my house gets broken in. I sat up and looked at the door, trying to remember if I locked it. At midnight I sat up thinking I heard something. Some research suggested 1 in 5 homes are robbed. It’s not worth it to have these thoughts. I eventually drive them out and focus on peace. Some nights are harder than others. I’m glad all my babies sleep in the same bed as I.
Is it right to focus on the negative? Isn’t happiness hard enough to hang on to without filling what you actually have with fear and anxiety? When i was around 10 we were robbed on Christmas eve. All the presents were taken under the tree. It didn’t change me. It didn’t change us, except that we hid the presents in the attic after that until that morning. My mother cried. The police came. But eventually forgiveness came and life went back.
God didn’t call us to be stupid, but he certainly didn’t call us to live our lives in fear of what might happen to us. I hate the gun because of what it implies: death. Fear isn’t worth that.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear
My Black President Speaks to the Children
I don’t understand. Why can’t the president encourage our children?
Something dark and unearthen is raising it’s horned head in America. This distaste for Obama is more sinister than I think any of us are willing to admit. He is hated for reasons that don’t make any sense.
There I was, having this conversation with someone from work and she was so intense about the other coworker that wasn’t present…so intense about how much her lack of support bothered her and about how her food stunk up the office..about how she showed up late…etc…etc…etc… What shocked me wasn’t her conversation but the intensity behind it. This person really bothered her emotionally…for reasons that couldn’t be justified with these trivial disagreements. Her disdain didn’t fit with the objects of disdain. There was something else ..under the skin. And that’s when I saw it. She was skinny. Tiny. Petite. Her rhetoric swayed back to food all throughout our conversation. The coworker is overweight. I felt bad for her; not for the absent coworker but the absent hearted one. She didn’t realize that her discrimination wasn’t justified..that she just hated overweight people.
I was confused by the way America handled Obama wanting to speak to the kids in schools. It’s the first time I’ve ever heard of a president being denied opportunities to speak to kids. Why do people distrust him? He seems like a nice enough guy. We don’t know anything about the man in a Santa suit in December, but that doesn’t stop scores of parents lining up at malls and parking lots to put their kids on this stranger’s lap.
The distrust and dislike of Obama smacks of strange. There is a current of hate for Obama that doesn’t match to the reasons. And when that happens I look to issues deeper and more personal than policy. But do I need to look under the skin?
Am I and Jimmy Carter the only ones that see race as a possible candidate for this level of hate and distrust? People are calling Jimmy Carter an idiot for suggesting this, but I think he might be on to something that all these other white folk are missing.
If you say “I’m not a racist” but don’t go into the “black part of town” then you are a racist.
If you make comments about skin or physical differences in negative or sarcastic funny hilarious ways that CRACK you up… you are a racist.
If you only want your child to marry your color because you are concerned about them having an easy life or for reason X…..you are a racist.
If you think it’s interesting when a white girl has a boyfriend that is black then you are a racist.
If you see interracial relationships as an act of rebellion …you are a racist.
If you notice when a mixed child is present and, without thinking about it, automatically have sympathy for the child…you are a racist.
If your dog hates black people… you are a racist (your dog knows something about you that you don’t).
I hope that by the end of his term that he can change your behavior.
Listen, Discrimination exists in all of us. If we don’t recognize it and call it what it is we can’t fight it. Acceptance and love is worth fighting for.
Learned Depression: society at risk.
I fear that we are raising children that are encouraged into depression. I fear this for myself and I fear this for our society. This subject needs to be an entire book by itself. By showing extra care when sadness occurs and ambivalence or discomfort for normal or excited behavior we are shaping them to be a child/adult drawn to sadness. This is pure classical conditioning. Give them more attention when they are sad or hurt of suffering than when they are excited or goofy or happy…and that is a simple recipe for adult depression.
How appropriate is it that we, as a society, have difficulty being excited? When you are standing there in a crowd and you see someone being a complete goof onstage how smug do you feel? How smug do I feel? There is such criticism when Tom Cruise jumps on the couch over his new girl katie…or when Howard Dean became too giddy on stage. I felt like I was the only one saying, who gives a fuck…why shouldn’t he be excited? Hell, if a thousand people were chanting my name I’d rip my clothes off and bodysurf. Why should the embellishment of excitement matter. Why isn’t it ok to entertain laughter and excitability? There will always be a reason that it is a bad idea…you will always find a critic with a point somewhere. The problem is that the ‘don’t make decisions on emotions’ rule has not been challenged and has turned into an entire entourage of new beliefs including, but not limited to ‘don’t show emotions.’ The truth is, EVERY decision is made with emotions. I’d say 90% of our decisions are ‘thoughtfully justified’ with raw emotion…and the rest are still affected. Business decisions, financial decisions, ALL decisions. And is that such a bad thing? No one is putting a blessing on stupid choices here, but aren’t most choices realized as stupid AFTER the fact? It’s easy to be right when the wrong has surfaced. Enough of this discounting of how you FEEL about it.
We live in a high-brow/low life world. Only the crazies have any fun any more while we make all the ‘right’ decisions based upon estimated biased statistics that apply to the general masses (not individual me).
So when my daughter wanted to dance yesterday, I danced.
When she wanted to build a fort, I built a fort.
When she showed me her new dance move in the front yard…I showed her mine.
And those who said Tom Cruise was being stupid and childish? Ok. Fine. He was being stupid and childish. I bet it felt GREAT.
1st grade
This morning I left my desk where I work, went to the bathroom, closed the stall door, sat down and wept for my daughter. It’s the first week of full school. She is away from us every day now, from 8 – 3. I can’t imagine how hard it is for her. She hates it. I hate this….we hate all of this. I suppose there isn’t anything wrong with it…I suppose it’s good for her to get fully immersed in our culture…I suppose it’s right for her to be on her own and start to deal with life on her own without our support or presence. i suppose it’s appropriate that she learn to sit at a desk and learn. I suppose it’s good to establish a work ethic at 6. I suppose that all these suppositions are justified in our culture with more estimations of ‘right’ ‘good’ and ‘appropriate’ I suppose we will acclimate.
But until we adjust these approximations of truth my heart breaks for her, sitting alone in a stall by myself while she sits alone in a room full of kids.
on being yourself
An individual’s ability to dance is directly proportional to how comfortable their parents were with looking silly. If you worry about what other people think then you aren’t giving your children the freedom to be creative.
An individual’s ability to express humor is directly proportional to how comfortable their parents are with looking silly. If you worry about what other people think then you aren’t giving your children the freedom to be a goof.
My daughter was being ‘over the top’ goofy the other night. It was annoying how goofy she was. It was late, she was being slap-happy and pretending to laugh incessantly. So do I curtail her goofiness and let her know that there is a limit? Or do I make her uncomfortable and self-conscious and let her know that she needs to tone it down? Or is my discomfort of her goofiness more of a reflection of my in-ability to be goofy…a curtailing based upon who is around at the time? I am ingrained to constantly think about those around me. I wonder how I would have felt had it just been her and I.
Truth is, I had too much to drink and was being very goofy myself….she was following my lead. Maybe I just need to have another beer: she will figure it out and so will I.
I wonder what it is like to not have these thoughts. Some people go on in life without thinking about these things. I can’t imagine how free that must feel….to not think so much about how your behavior affects other people. It’s maddening sometimes how much I dwell on these internal thoughts.
How to: Manage People’s Perceptions of You
managing perceptions
managing me
nurse the infections;
perfections of me
Confections of grandeur
Rich and sweet.
I am who I am
Who they want me to be.
Believe the lie
Believing in me.
No need to cry
It’s simple, you see.
Trojections of happy
Trojections of free
Trojections of saving
grace upon me
Trojections of loving
Trojections of fuck
Projectile trojections
to hide your corrupt
Stop all the killing
Be all you can be
Put down your gun
And say it with me.
"I am who I am
Who they want me
I love every one
So they will love me"
your want
the more you own
the more you have
the more you have
the more you want
the more you want
the more you get
the more you get
the better you feel
the larger the house
the bigger the yard
the larger your smile
the cleaner your teeth
the prettier smile
the prettier friends
the bigger the pay
to buy more shit.
the house the yard the smile the teeth the want to drown your self in stuff.
will all.
go.
away.
Crazy
I don’t think crazy is a thing that can be avoided. It’s not something that falls on others. It is not an object/disease/illness/thing that other people have but we DON’T.
This is a well-formed lie to make us believe that we are something we are not. Crazy is in all of us. It is all of us. We all have varying degrees of it. It is a slippery slope… something that slowly takes over unless you keep it at bay. Enter image: little blue house with white trim on the edge of the Amazon jungle with a little pasty-white man mowing with a little bubble mower in plaid shorts.
This is why old people are crazy…because they get tired of fighting it off. Those who are crazi-er are those who don’t have what it takes to fight it (we all have our strengths. yours isn’t fighting the crazy off).
“The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad” -Salvador Dalí
“What frightens us most in a madman is his sane conversation.” -Anatole France
i avoided it for a long time and now I’ve accepted as part of my social vocabulary and the personal phenomena of this entity is amazing. i was a very different person back then. i’d say we all were but there are definitely some that are the same. i can’t stand those people. they have the same hairdo’s and they smile a lot and act like life is never shitty and they believe that god is the answer to all the problems in life. for these people god and money are one.
but the entire facebook experience makes me sad. i was so sweet and innocent back then. and kind. but life can be shitty and i can be mean. i fear i will disappoint these people, which is what makes me want to see them…curious to find out if i will.
and then when i start chatting with them it hits me: the same residual dawning that occurs every morning inside of me: what am i doing, exactly? where do you find significance? i don’t think it can be found, not in me. but i think the point is to keep looking.
the first question i want to ask these people from the past: ‘was i a dick?’ so far the responses have been no. i’d hate to be the person that broke them and not realize it. kids are mean, myself included. i was never a bully and i was a very sweet and innocent kid…but everyone is mean.
the second question i want to ask is ‘are you ok?’ mostly i haven’t asked because i’m afraid of the answer. what if they aren’t? then what? but i know what life can do to a person. is it situations that kill the spirit or is it a lack of ability to handle the situation? I’d say the latter but this never helps the person. The correct answer is the former. It’s always the situation…at least at first.
one individual said to me, ‘you used to ask me every time you saw me ‘how’s your spiritual life?’’ i don’t remember this person. but she remembers me. i wonder how her spiritual life is now but i’m afraid to ask.
naivitivity gives you wings. denial gives you freedom. pure trusting love is available to all those who haven’t yet been broken. virginity and innocence is not a gift. it is a path that must end…gracefully.
Clustermap
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