Lent: What I am giving up

Well, Lent is here again and before I had thought of any fabulous new idea my partner already gave me an idea that she liked (cough cough).  It’s a very sensitive thing when your partner suggests something for you for Lent.  She read this book about this guy who did different things for a year and wrote about them.  (Heck if I can remember his name or the book)  Well, for one month he did whatever his wife told him to do….I mean WHATEVER she asked. 

So that is what my wife suggested: “Why don’t you do what he did, and do whatever I want you to do.”   She laughed, I laughed …and we went on with our evening, drinking more white Russians, spying on the neighbors with our night-vision binoculars.

Strange thoughts spoke to me in the middle of the night and twisted me into this contorted notion that this was a good idea. 

Her jedi mind trick worked.

So that’s it.  That’s what I’ve decided to do. (what?  are you crazy?)   For Lent: I am giving up myself.  Here are the rules:

1.  I will do whatever she asks me to do

2.  I will do it cheerfully.

3.  To further complement the ‘giving up my self’ I will not ask anything of her in return.  That’s it: nothing.  NOTHING.

I will add more to these rules later as I think of them I guess.

Wish me luck.

Moving me.

These made me weep this year:

http://ohmagpie.wordpress.com/2009/12/08/a-year-ago/

Love Exists: http://ohmagpie.wordpress.com/2009/09/30/it-goes-by-itself/

http://ohmagpie.wordpress.com/2009/08/14/159/

http://ohmagpie.wordpress.com/2009/06/02/i´m-trying-to-break-your-heart/

http://ohmagpie.wordpress.com/2009/04/21/magpie/

http://www.durhamtownship.com/blog-archives/003511.html

this made me laugh

http://www.durhamtownship.com/blog-archives/003506.html

this left me shocked

http://www.durhamtownship.com/blog-archives/003503.html

the sheep and the bunny

http://www.durhamtownship.com/blog-archives/003497.html

breathtaking: http://www.durhamtownship.com/blog-archives/003493.html

amazed:

http://www.durhamtownship.com/blog-archives/003488.html

amazed: http://www.durhamtownship.com/blog-archives/003487.html

http://www.durhamtownship.com/blog-archives/003478.html

Enhances my love for god: http://www.durhamtownship.com/blog-archives/003476.html

Fresh

Like snow-fallen angels
We watch and smile
Enjoying the peaceful sound of silence
As the angels hit the snow
and 
Scramble to find their way.
Scramble to find their warmth.
Fresh like molasses cookies.
Fresh like chocolate morsels of half truths.
Fresh like the breath of dogs.
Soon they find their way deep beneath the snow
and into our hearts.

TADAH!

Tadah sounds much more exciting than TODO.  Now you know my secret.  Anytime you see TADAH! that is actually my to do list, with a little flair.  The following is my list of things I’m going to do In 2010:

1. Run 6 days a week.
2. 100 sit-ups.
3. 4 pull-ups.
4. 59 pushups.
5. Write 1 poem a week no matter how silly.
6. Write a kids book of poetry.
7. Write and illustrate one kid’s story.
8. Blog once a month on every blog I own
9. Figure out a way to make FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS so that I can buy the next grade of camera and a good lens.  The means by which I make this much cash will be difficult.  (current ideas: istock, local store, take pictures to a coffee shop.  that’s it.  that’s all my ideas.)
10. Write a killer phone application that sweeps the world enough that everyone wants to pay me a dollah for it.
11.   Take a picture every day
12.   Change someone’s life
13.   Tune my friend’s guitar.
14.    Learn to play the ‘always look on the bright side of life’ song on my guitar
15.   Re-finish all the hard wood floors in my house
16.   Re-carpet the upstairs (I will probably hire someone to do this).
17.   Replace cabinets and gut the kitchen.
18.   Get rid of the rats in my house.
19.   Take the three required tests and get certified as a database developer.
20.   Get another article published.
21.   Get a picture published.
22.   Get one training podcast done about database development.
23.   Plant and cultivate medicinal herbs (3 is my goal this year).
24.   Clean up the garage
25.   Clean up the attic
26.   Clean up the basement.
27.   Re-caulk the tub.
28.   Replace the bathroom fan.
29.   Clean out the crawlspace from the mess the roofers made last  year.
30.   But another house and move out of this one.
31.   Stop doing so much and play with my kids.

Butter

Butter on the ceiling.

Butter on the floor.

Butter on the window.

Butter on the door.

Butter on my sweater.

Butter on my face.

Butter on the cupboard.

Butter I can taste.

Butter in the blender.

Butter all gone.

Blender had a lit.

The lid wasn’t on.

This week is over

It’s the end of the week and I have much to show for it

A pocketful of lint.

Rubbish in the corners of my sleeves.

Oil stains on my collar.

I have many accomplishments

I’ve worn this sweater twice; yesterday and today.

I wore these slacks three times.  they are now ready for the wash.

I brushed my teeth and my hair every day.

I’ve managed to keep my thoughts at bay for another week and keep the sanity performance at the front of the line.

No one thought I was crazy this week.

I didn’t insult anyone or question them when they complained about how much butter their coworker put on their bread.

I didn’t cry, which is always a good thing. Right?  I mean, I felt like it, but thank God I didn’t.

This week I was normal.

Healthy.

Resolutions

I solemnly swear in 2010 to…

this is the part where i always stumble.  The commitment piece to do something the entire  year.  There is something internal that boycotts such behavior.  I rebut exercise when it attempts to define me in a way that I deem unsatisfactory.  I rebut friendships when they become judgmental.  I rebut myself when i lose interest.  I don’t want to do anything for the wrong reason which is noble and impossible and leads me to never promising anything until I’ve almost done it.

Selfishness is a way of human life that I can’t seem to convince myself that it is normal.  It just doesn’t seem proper.

I always thought it interesting that God gave us internal instincts that make every decision self-motivated.  Self preservation and Darwinism keeps us healthy and protected and alive.  It is a natural flow for these self-servicing instincts to play out in our every day life.  It’s normal…and yet at the same time God condemns this natural inclination towards selfishness pushing us to sacrifice our lives for others. 

Once I wanted to write a poem for every day of the year.  I never committed but I did it for 3 months .. and then quit.  I never made it a promise..and I was grateful because after 3 months of writing poems every day I was sick of it. 

Resolutions form a fake sense of obligation that carry little weight.   It is better to give yourself an actual reason for seeking such a commitment.  And at the same time without the embarkment (?) of a new year we wouldn’t have reminders to tell us that having hopes and dreams and drives are worth having.

I tend to promise small and try to deliver big.  I don’t commit to anything that I’m pretty sure I can do. 

I’d love to change someone’s life this year.  Forget losing weight or doing something for ME ME ME.  This year, I’d love to change someone’s life.  I don’t know how, but wouldn’t it be great if you could make someone’s life better?  Small or Big. 

That’s what I would like to do. God help me.

Thanksgiving 2009

I’m thankful for orgasm and it’s proof of God.  I’m thankful for intimacy and its sacred power that we are afraid of and are drawn to.  I’m thankful for whispers and giggles under covers.  I’m thankful for sexless days filled with teasing.  I’m thankful for secrets between lovers.  I’m thankful for love and love lost.  I’m thankful for the gift of servitude and how it makes you a better person directly proportional to its difficulty.  I’m thankful for hope and drive … the internal longing to become a better person regardless of the challenge.  I’m thankful that laying this tile on my porch was difficult work.   I’m thankful for the trees and the life found in every nook and cranny of this world.  I’m thankful for BearHeart and his blessing on me.  I’m thankful for the native Americans and how their way has changed my heart.  I’m thankful for faith and the possibilities of God.  I’m thankful for ambiguity of the creator and how there is much room for different faiths.  I’m thankful for waking up to my daughter with her arms wrapped around me.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Gun hater

Recently I discovered that I hate guns.  And with every decision made I constantly hit it with opposing questions.  Four weeks ago I was ambivalent about them.  But a couple of weeks ago I had a conversation that kind of changed my mind.  So now, being surrounded by gun-toting republicans I find myself wondering how valid my new argument is.  Last week I rode with two of my coworkers  over lunch and they talked about the news…the violence…the break-ins and the ruthless killing of a family somewhere in Florida.  It took me until 2 AM to finally get to sleep that night.

One coworker insists on using hollow points.  I didn’t know what a hollow point was so I asked.  He sad, “It’s a hollow bullet, so if it goes into a wall it will essentially go flat so you don’t have to repair a hole shot through your house.”  Interesting.  It apparently is a good way to kill someone as well since the bullet does the same in a person’s body. 

The hollow point: “When is our concern for our sheetrock more important than someone’s life?”

The gun-toting republican feels justified.  “If you are breaking into my home then you had better be ready to die.”  Where is the justice in that?  I don’t see it.  They want my TV so I kill them?  I’m confused.  All my possessions aren’t worth one person’s life.  Maybe I just need better possessions…a bigger TV or a better stereo…THEN it will be worth someone’s life?

Flipping channels I watched 10 minutes of a show where a guy watched his neighbor getting robbed, called the police, and as the two youngsters ran across his lawn escaping he shot them in the backs.  Dead.  Smug.  Justified.  I don’t understand.  Don’t these kids have a life to live?

Somewhere mother cries over her child….a child who made some stupid decisions.  But not Earl, shotgun in hand.  Earl did the right thing?  The lesson? Earl’s neighbor’s possessions are more important than two kid’s lives.

The news carries bad seed, spreading it’s hate and fear throughout the city, segregating us into scared pockets with stories singled out for their sensationalism.  The news is a capitalist machine hungry for money and viewers.

Am I right?  Am I stupid to not have a gun next to my head as I sleep?  I tried to do a little research.  Unfortunately, home invasions where the homeowners are encountered isn’t tracked.  Robberies are, but most robberies are when the homeowner isn’t home of course.  Canada had a study (a Statistics Canada Uniform Crime Reporting (USR) Survey).  It looks like homeowner encountered invasions are mostly the elderly (17%).  21% of the time it was casual acquaintances.  11% of the time it was a relative, friend, or business relationship.  Half of the invasions involved a weapon, the most common being a knife or something to cut with.  (link)

The Center for Injury Control, Rollins School of Public Health (of Emory University Atlanta GA 30322) did a study to determine weapon involvement in home invasions.  That is, how often firearms are used to resist these crimes.  This was for Atlanta, GA (pop 402,877) between June 1 and Aug 31, 1994.  They went through every case during that time to identify where entry was made to a single family home.  198 cases.  99 were forced entry.  1/3 of the cases the victim and offender knew each other. A firearm was carried by the offender in 32 cases.  7 carried knives. in 42% of the cases the offender fled without confronting the victim.  40 cases resulted in a victim being injured.   6 were shot.  No one died.  3 victims had a firearm.  Their conclusion was that prevention of entry was the best method and that firearms, even if in the home, aren’t usually used.(link)

I went to bed last night, as I do every night, trying to determine what I will do in the event that my house gets broken in.  I sat up and looked at the door, trying to remember if I locked it.  At midnight I sat up thinking I heard something.  Some research suggested 1 in 5 homes are robbed.  It’s not worth it to have these thoughts.  I eventually drive them out and focus on peace.  Some nights are harder than others.  I’m glad all my babies sleep in the same bed as I.

Is it right to focus on the negative?  Isn’t happiness hard enough to hang on to without filling what you actually have with fear and anxiety?  When i was around 10 we were robbed on Christmas eve.  All the presents were taken under the tree.  It didn’t change me.  It didn’t change us, except that we hid the presents in the attic after that until that morning.  My mother cried. The police came.  But eventually forgiveness came and life went back.

God didn’t call us to be stupid, but he certainly didn’t call us to live our lives in fear of what might happen to us.  I hate the gun because of what it implies: death.  Fear isn’t worth that. 

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear

 

My Black President Speaks to the Children

I don’t understand. Why can’t the president encourage our children? 

Something dark and unearthen is raising it’s horned head in America.  This distaste for Obama is more sinister than I think any of us are willing to admit.  He is hated for reasons that don’t make any sense.

There I was, having this conversation with someone from work and she was so intense about the other coworker that wasn’t present…so intense about how much her lack of support bothered her and about how her food stunk up the office..about how she showed up late…etc…etc…etc…  What shocked me wasn’t her conversation but the intensity behind it.  This person really bothered her emotionally…for reasons that couldn’t be justified with these trivial disagreements.  Her disdain didn’t fit with the objects of disdain.  There was something else ..under the skin.  And that’s when I saw it.  She was skinny.  Tiny.  Petite.  Her rhetoric swayed back to food all throughout our conversation.  The coworker is overweight.  I felt bad for her; not for the absent coworker but the absent hearted one.  She didn’t realize that her discrimination wasn’t justified..that she just hated overweight people.

I was confused by the way America handled Obama wanting to speak to the kids in schools.  It’s the first time I’ve ever heard of a president being denied opportunities to speak to kids. Why do people distrust him?  He seems like a nice enough guy.  We don’t know anything about the man in a Santa suit in December, but that doesn’t stop scores of parents lining up at malls and parking lots to put their kids on this stranger’s lap.

The distrust and dislike of Obama smacks of strange.  There is a current of hate for Obama that doesn’t match to the reasons.  And when that happens I look to issues deeper and more personal than policy.  But do I need to look under the skin?

Am I and Jimmy Carter the only ones that see race as a possible candidate for this level of hate and distrust?  People are calling Jimmy Carter an idiot for suggesting this, but I think he might be on to something that all these other white folk are missing. 

If you say “I’m not a racist” but don’t go into the “black part of town” then you are a racist.

If you make comments about skin or physical differences in negative or sarcastic funny hilarious ways that CRACK you up… you are a racist.

If you only want your child to marry your color because you are concerned about them having an easy life or for reason X…..you are a racist.

If you think it’s interesting when a white girl has a boyfriend that is black then you are a racist.

If you see interracial relationships as an act of rebellion …you are a racist.

If you notice when a mixed child is present and, without thinking about it, automatically have sympathy for the child…you are a racist. 

If your dog hates black people… you are a racist (your dog knows something about you that you don’t).

I hope that by the end of his term that he can change your behavior. 

Listen, Discrimination exists in all of us.  If we don’t recognize it and call it what it is we can’t fight it.  Acceptance and love is worth fighting for.